ANOAQA Relationship Advice 1.2

Hello,

I am 40, I’ve never found an equal among the people around me. Even in a crowded home, I’ve always wanted to shut the door and be alone. Solitude has become my vast imaginary world—a space entirely my own. Maybe that’s what has made me lithromantic asexual. On social media, I’ve allowed strangers, often incapable of understanding me, to step into this impossible romantic world of mine. Time and again, they’ve taken advantage of that invitation, leaving behind nothing but damage. And each time, I return to my solitude.

I’ve always longed for love but never felt sexual attraction. And yet, I am happy. My world is enough for me. But over the years, the people around me have planted a quiet fear within me—the fear of an unknown future.

I wonder: when time moves forward, when I grow older and perhaps physically frailer—who will be there to refill my water bottle? If I fall ill, will the suffering be immense? Will those years be unbearably lonely?

I would greatly appreciate your insights and guidance.

Thank you!

Your reflections are deeply introspective. It may feel like overthinking, but it’s not—you’re having a meaningful dialogue with yourself about solitude, aging, and the future. Let’s explore this thoughtfully.

You’ve created a world that is enough for you, and that in itself is a beautiful form of fulfillment. Yet, the societal narratives of aging and loneliness—especially for those who don’t fit into conventional romantic or familial structures—can feel like a quiet, persistent whisper in the back of the mind.

Your lithromantic experience, past betrayals, and self-protection shape your comfort in solitude while still yearning for connection. The question—“Who will refill my water bottle?”—is existential, touching on care and support in aging.

The fear of an unknown future is something many people, regardless of relationship status, face at some point. The key might not be to fear loneliness but to reshape what companionship and support look like for you. Can you cultivate a chosen family—friends, community members, or even a network of people who share a similar perspective on life? Loneliness in old age is not inevitable, but building reciprocal relationships takes intention, just as much as solitude does.

Practical steps like co-housing communities, support networks, or even professional caregiving arrangements can be part of your future. But beyond logistics, it’s also about allowing the possibility of connection—on your terms—to ease some of the fear.

What Are You Experiencing?

It sounds like a mix of:

• Solitude Anxiety: The fear that your current chosen solitude might turn into an enforced, isolating loneliness in old age.
• Anticipatory Anxiety: Worrying about future hardships before they occur, such as physical decline or dependency.
• Existential Anxiety: Contemplating the meaning of life, aging, and how to sustain personal fulfillment.
• Mild Thanatophobia (Fear of Death): Not just the fear of dying but the fear of being alone or helpless at the end.

All of these are completely natural for someone who deeply values their inner world yet is aware of life’s practical challenges.

Should You Be Concerned?

Your solitude isn’t the problem—it’s a source of happiness for you. What causes concern is the uncertainty about the future and how you might manage independence as you age. These are practical worries, not just emotional ones.

Instead of fearing loneliness, ask:
How can I build a future that supports me?

Your world is already rich. Your solitude is not a deficiency but a deeply personal and powerful space. While future concerns are valid, they don’t have to define your present. The key is to prepare without fear, plan with confidence, and continue building a life that feels meaningful on your own terms.

Asian Network of A-Spec Queer Activists

Why Do You Trust The Wrong People Or Struggle To Find Like-Minded Ones?

This may stem from a deep desire to be understood—which makes you vulnerable to those who seem interested but ultimately don’t respect your boundaries or needs. You might benefit from reflecting on patterns in these interactions:

• Do these people mirror your loneliness back to you but don’t truly align with you?
• Are they projecting their own desires onto you while disregarding your identity?
• Are you drawn to the potential of connection rather than the reality of it?

Practicing selective trust and setting emotional boundaries early on in new relationships (romantic, platonic, or community-based) can help break this cycle.

Possible Paths Forward

1. Reframing Solitude as Strength

• Embrace solitude as a conscious choice rather than something imposed by external circumstances.
• Shift the narrative: Instead of fearing loneliness, focus on how you can make your solitude more enriching as you age.
• Cultivate self-sufficiency in a way that gives you confidence rather than anxiety about the future.

2. Practical Future Planning for Peace of Mind

• Build a support system: Even if you don’t have a conventional partner or family, strong friendships, chosen family, or community networks can provide care.
• Plan for care in old age: Research long-term care options, co-living communities, and financial safety nets.
• Strengthen financial security: Continue to grow savings/investments to ensure you can afford necessary care and assistance later.
• Consider legal & medical directives: Set up advance healthcare directives, wills, and legal documents that ensure your wishes are respected.

3. Emotional & Existential Comfort

• Normalize aging and mortality: Accepting that aging is a natural phase rather than a crisis helps reduce anticipatory anxiety.
• Find meaning beyond relationships: Engage in creative projects, knowledge-building, or activism that gives your life continued purpose.
• Adopt a flexible mindset: If your needs or desires change in the future, give yourself permission to adapt (e.g., exploring communal living or caregiving arrangements).

4. Maintaining Mental Well-being

• Regular self-check-ins: Journaling, meditation, or therapy can help manage existential fears before they spiral.
• Practice mindfulness: Staying present can help prevent overwhelming future-focused anxiety.
• Develop a ‘comfort toolkit’: Whether it’s books, music, art, or nature, have go-to resources that bring immediate emotional relief.

5. Nurturing Connections Without Compromising Solitude

• Building a Chosen Family (online & offline): Even if you haven’t found them nearby, global asexual and aromantic communities exist where your experiences are understood.
  
• Maintain meaningful but low-maintenance friendships: Regular check-ins with a few trusted individuals can provide long-term companionship without feeling overwhelming.
  >Some aging activists create “friend-care” agreements—mutual understandings about looking after each other in small, non-traditional communities.
• Redefine relationships on your terms: You can craft unconventional bonds—perhaps a care partnership, close platonic friendships, or living arrangements that align with your solitude needs.

The Big Picture

You are not alone in this. Many solitude-preferring, asexual, or non-conventional people share these concerns. What matters is that you feel agency in shaping your future—not just letting it happen to you.

The fact that you’re thinking about these questions now gives you a chance to create a structure that will ensure that your solitude remains a source of strength, not a fear-inducing uncertainty.

If you’d like to talk more about your feelings, feel free to reach out to the ANOAQA Helpline at +880 1682-624275.