ANOAQA Relationship Advice 1.7

Hello,

I’m seeking relationship advice, particularly on understanding my orientation more clearly and learning how to communicate my needs to a potential partner effectively.

I consider myself versatile in relationships—I sometimes enjoy taking on a dominant role, while other times I prefer being submissive. My interest in role play is deeply tied to romantic attraction rather than anything sexual. For instance, I love the “SOFT DOMINANT TEACHER” dynamic, where I can be gently guided and playfully disciplined—similar to flirting with a teacher, but without any sexual intent.

Additionally, I enjoy embodying nurturing or authoritative roles, such as a caring “MOMMY” figure or a commanding “QUEEN” with a more submissive partner. For me, role play is about the fantasy, the excitement of unpredictability, and the joy of playful interactions. It’s not about control but rather about exploring personalities in a fun and engaging way.

What I love most about role play is the uncertainty—the suspense of a partner’s unpredictable responses, the surprises, and the playful back-and-forth. I find it valuable at the beginning of a relationship as a way to understand a potential partner more deeply. However, I do not engage in role play for sexting. Even when I’ve done it for someone else’s sake, I didn’t enjoy it. For me, role play isn’t about reaching an orgasm—it’s about connection, storytelling, and shared experiences.

Given this, how can I effectively introduce myself and communicate my relationship preferences to a potential partner? I want to ensure they understand that, for me, role play is a means of emotional and romantic exploration rather than sexual fulfillment. I often find it challenging to articulate the different “levels” of attraction and connection I experience—how can I express this more clearly?

I’d love to hear your thoughts on this.

Thank you.

Are You Asexual?

From what you described, you seem to be a kinky, romance-favoring asexual (or gray-asexual). Many ace people enjoy romantic dynamics without sexual attraction. Since you experience no desire for sex, but find emotional fulfillment in specific roleplay scenarios, you likely fall somewhere in the asexual spectrum.

Fetish vs. Fun vs. Identity

The key difference between a fetish and what you’re describing is that:

If it’s central to how you form relationships and attraction, then it is a real part of your identity.ovide direction. Ultimately, it’s up to you to find the answers.

A fetish usually has a strong sexual component (even when non-genital-focused).

Your interest is not about sex at all—it’s about romantic stimulation through roleplay and power exchange.

If you enjoy it for fun but don’t feel it defines you deeply, then it might just be a preference.

How to Introduce Yourself ?

Since you enjoy shifting roles and engaging in roleplay for emotional connection rather than sexual pleasure, you might introduce yourself with something like:

“I love relationships that feel like an adventure—where we can step into different roles, play with dynamics, and explore each other’s personalities in a fun, unpredictable way. For me, roleplay isn’t about control or sexuality, but about emotional connection, storytelling, and the excitement of discovering someone new. I enjoy moments of playful dominance, soft discipline, or nurturing care, but always in a way that feels engaging and fulfilling for both of us. I don’t engage in roleplay for sexting—what excites me is the bond we build through it.”

This sets clear expectations while leaving space for potential partners to ask questions or express interest.

Asian Network of A-Spec Queer Activists

Your experiences align with many aspects of asexuality, particularly within the gray-ace and a-spec spectrum. The fact that you are asexual but drawn to kinky, roleplay-based romance suggests that your desires are not rooted in sexual attraction but rather in emotional, aesthetic, and power-dynamic-based engagement.

Kink, at its core, isn’t always about sex—it’s about power dynamics, roleplay, and emotional or sensory experiences. Since you find fulfillment in the fantasy, unpredictability, and intensity of roleplay without sexual elements, it makes sense to call yourself kinky in a non-sexual way or non-sexual kink-inclined.

As for fetishes, traditionally, a fetish is something that is required for sexual gratification. Since your enjoyment is tied more to romantic attraction and playfulness rather than sex, it’s possible your interests lean toward paraphilic romance or sensual kink rather than fetishes in the strictest sense.

If “kinky romance” resonates with you, then that’s a perfectly valid term to describe your experience. You could also explore identities like:

• Kink-oriented asexual (KOA) – Some ace people enjoy kink but not sex.
• Non-sexual kinkster – If you participate in kink for connection and enjoyment rather than sexual gratification, or if avoiding sex is central to your identity, but roleplay provides a sense of closeness.
  
• Romantic Kink-Asexual – if your kink preferences are deeply tied to how you experience romance

Are There Other Asexuals Like You?

Yes! Many asexuals experience kink and BDSM in non-sexual ways. Some enjoy elements like dominance/submission, roleplay, and power exchange without any sexual component. In the ace community, these experiences are often called “kink without sex” or “sensory and power play” rather than traditional sexual fetishism.

For example:

Some even use kink as a way to build emotional closeness and trust, separate from sexual attraction.

Some ace individuals engage in BDSM but have no interest in intercourse.

Others find roleplay, power dynamics, and structured interactions fulfilling in a way that romance alone does not provide.

How to Reach Out to Your Partner Effectively

Encourage Open Conversations – Since your experience of attraction is nuanced, potential partners might need guidance. You can say: “I’d love to hear how you experience attraction too! Let’s figure out what excites us both.” This creates a space for mutual discovery rather than one-sided explanation.

Clarify Your Own Needs First – Since you’re still exploring your orientation, consider what feels right versus what you feel pressured to do. What kind of responses make you feel most connected? What dynamics make you happiest? This self-awareness will help when explaining things to a partner.

Frame Roleplay as Emotional Exploration – Instead of assuming a partner will understand what roleplay means to you, explain it as a way to build connection, not as foreplay. For example: “I love playful role dynamics, but for me, it’s about bonding and getting to know someone, not about sexual escalation.”

Set Boundaries from the Start – Be upfront about what you don’t enjoy. If sexting or sexual roleplay isn’t for you, say that early. A good way to phrase it: “I love engaging in playful and immersive roleplay, but it’s about storytelling and fun for me, not about leading into sex or sexting.”

Find Like-Minded Partners – Look for communities or spaces where people appreciate emotional and roleplay-driven connections. Some niche dating platforms, a-spec or queer-friendly communities, or even fandom spaces where roleplay is common might be a good starting point.

If you’d like to talk more about your feelings, feel free to reach out to the ANOAQA Helpline at +880 1682-624275.