ANOAQA Relationship Advice 3.2

I need advice on how to communicate changing needs in a sex-averse relationship –

I’m a touch-averse asexual woman, and I met my partner—who is also touch-averse, asexual, and aromantic—through an asexual dating app. While I am not aromantic and have always deeply craved emotional connection, we were happy together because we shared the same place on the asexual spectrum and had some overlapping expectations for our relationship.

We are now in our fourth year together. However, over the last year, I’ve noticed changes in my relationship desires. Lately, I’ve been craving some form of physical intimacy. When I confided in my partner about this, his response stunned me—he said that if I wanted physical intimacy, I should find it with another man. As a monogamous asexual woman, his suggestion felt deeply hurtful and unsettling. I don’t want to seek intimacy with someone I don’t love; I simply wanted to explore that closeness within our relationship.

Things became even more painful when I shared a private picture with him—showing a little cleavage—something I meant only for him. Instead of appreciating or acknowledging my emotions, he reacted negatively and sarcastically told me to post it on social media if I wanted attention from other men. That wasn’t my intention at all. I only wanted to express myself in a way that felt intimate between us.

This shift has been emotionally difficult for me. I understand that my partner’s reaction isn’t meant to hurt me—he is simply responding as a sex-averse asexual man—but his rejection has left me feeling deeply wounded. My self-esteem has taken a hit, and I’m struggling with insecurities about my body and self-worth.

I don’t know how to navigate this. What should I do?

It sounds like you and your partner initially connected deeply over your shared sex aversion, but now your relationship desires are evolving, and that’s creating emotional pain for you. It’s completely okay for your needs to change over time, and it doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with you or your relationship.

Here are a few things to consider:

1. Your Feelings Are Valid: It’s natural to feel hurt when your partner reacts negatively to your desire for physical intimacy. It doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you, but his reaction is tied to his own deep-seated discomfort with touch. However, your hurt feelings deserve to be acknowledged and addressed.
2. His Feelings Are Also Valid: Just as your needs are shifting, his haven’t. If he’s truly sex-averse, even small changes in physical closeness might trigger strong reactions. It doesn’t mean he wants to hurt you, but it does show that his boundaries are still very firm.
3. Exploring Your Changing Needs: What kind of physical intimacy are you craving? Is it about cuddling, hand-holding, or something else? If sex is not what you’re asking for but rather affectionate touch, there may be a middle ground.
4. Communication Is Key: Since both of you initially bonded over being sex-averse, your partner might feel shocked or overwhelmed by this shift. A calm, open conversation—where you share your feelings without pressuring him—could help. For example:
   • “I’ve noticed I’ve started craving more physical closeness, and when you react negatively, it really hurts me. I don’t want to pressure you, but I also need to find a way to feel loved and secure in our relationship.”
5. Compromise (If Possible): If your partner is entirely uncomfortable with any form of increased physical affection, you’ll have to think about whether this relationship still fulfills you. But if he’s open to small gestures—like hugging more often or holding hands—it could help you both feel more connected.
6. Self-Worth and Confidence: If this relationship is making you feel unwanted or undesirable, that’s a big issue. You deserve to feel loved and valued. If your self-esteem is taking a hit, it might be worth reflecting on whether this dynamic is sustainable for you long-term.
7. Consider Professional Guidance: Since this situation is affecting your confidence and self-esteem, talking to a queer-friendly therapist or counselor (if accessible) might help you navigate your emotions and relationship needs.

At the end of the day, relationships thrive on mutual respect, care, and compromise. If your needs are growing in a direction that makes your partner uncomfortable, and he’s not able to meet you halfway, it’s important to ask yourself whether staying in this relationship will continue to make you happy in the long run.is connection is truly healthy for you.

Asian Network of A-Spec Queer Activists

If you’d like to talk more about your feelings, feel free to reach out to the ANOAQA Helpline at +880 1682-624275.