ANOAQA Relationship Advice 1.1

Hello,

I’m a 27-year-old South Asian woman with a successful career, and I’ve been questioning my romantic and sexual orientation for a long time.

My only past relationship was in Class 7 at an all-girls school, where I fell in love with a female classmate. However, after about 8–9 months, she ended things upon realizing she was attracted to men. Since then, I haven’t felt romantic attraction toward women, but I also haven’t experienced it toward men either. However, during my university years, I developed strong one-sided romantic feelings for several gay male friends.

I find myself deeply drawn to feminine, soft-spoken men—especially those with long hair, a love for ornamentation, and an appreciation for their own beauty. I admire men in traditionally feminine roles, such as wearing lingerie or engaging in household activities. However, my attraction is often directed toward gay men, who are not romantically interested in me.

I’m trying to understand why my romantic and sexual attractions seem to align this way and whether this pattern is contributing to my prolonged singlehood. Could this be linked to my orientation, emotional needs, or past experiences?

I’d appreciate any insights into why I experience attraction in this way and how I might navigate relationships moving forward.

Thank you.

It sounds like you’re going through a deep and thoughtful journey of self-discovery, which is completely valid. Orientation and attraction are complex, influenced by a mix of personal experiences, emotional needs, and social conditioning. Here are some aspects to consider:

Possible Romantic & Sexual Orientation Labels :

Your attraction to feminine, soft-spoken men with traditionally “feminine” traits suggests that you might be drawn to a blend of masculinity and femininity rather than conventional masculinity.

This could indicate attraction to androgynous people, gender-nonconforming men, or even a specific aesthetic rather than a strict sexual orientation.

If your attraction is primarily to men who identify as gay, it could be helpful to reflect on what about them draws you in—is it their gender expression, emotional openness, or something else?

• Are You Asexual?

If you don’t experience sexual attraction at all or rarely, you might fall somewhere on the asexual spectrum.

Some asexual people still experience romantic attraction (this is called romantic asexuality), while others don’t (this would be aromantic asexuality).

• Are You Lesbian, Bisexual, or Something Else?

Since your only romantic attraction to a woman was in childhood, and you haven’t felt the same since, it’s possible that you are not a lesbian.

You could be heteroromantic, biromantic, or asexual with a history of emotional connections rather than physical ones.

• Are You a Dominant Woman Who Likes Submissive Men?
• If you feel disconnected from gender roles and don’t strongly identify with being a woman or a man, you might explore agender identities to see if they resonate.
• However, if you feel like you are a woman but naturally take on a dominant or protective role in relationships (without it being tied to BDSM), then you might just be a dominant woman in the sense of personality and lifestyle.
• Your attraction to feminine men could align with being gynesexual or androgynophilic, meaning you’re drawn to feminine traits regardless of gender.
  

Your attraction patterns might align with one of the following:

Asexual or Graysexual Spectrum: If sexual attraction isn’t a dominant force in your life, you might be on the asexual spectrum.

Aromantic or Grayromantic Spectrum: Since your romantic attraction has been infrequent and often directed at unavailable partners, you might explore whether you fall somewhere on the aromantic spectrum.

Androsexual or Androgynous-Attracted: If your attraction centers around men who embody femininity, this might be more about gender expression than sexual orientation itself.

We don’t have a single definitive answer, to be honest. However, reflecting on these questions can provide direction. Ultimately, it’s up to you to find the answers.

Asian Network of A-Spec Queer Activists

1. Your Early Experiences and Emotional Patterns

Your first romantic experience was with a girl, but it ended early. Since then, you haven’t felt the same way toward women. This doesn’t necessarily mean you aren’t capable of romantic attraction to women—it could mean that experience shaped how you engage with romance moving forward.

Your strongest romantic attractions have been toward gay men, which might indicate a pattern where you’re drawn to emotionally intimate but unavailable partners. Sometimes, people unconsciously seek out relationships where deep connection is possible but without the vulnerability of full romantic commitment.

2. Your Attraction to Feminine Men

• You seem to be drawn to men with traditionally feminine traits—soft-spoken, gentle, interested in ornamentation, and expressive in ways that society often associates with women. This could mean:
• You appreciate femininity, regardless of gender.
• You may feel more emotionally and aesthetically drawn to gay men because they often break away from rigid masculinity.
• You may be romantically attracted to them but don’t find traditional “straight” masculinity appealing.
• It’s also possible that because gay men are less likely to pursue you romantically, your attractions to them feel “safe” in a way that doesn’t come with the expectation of reciprocation.

3. Why You Might Be Single for a Long Time

If your attraction is mostly to gay men (who aren’t interested in women), it could be a cycle where the people you like aren’t available for romantic relationships.

If emotional connection is more important than physical attraction, you might find it hard to meet someone who aligns with both aspects of your desires.

There could also be subconscious barriers—like fear of vulnerability or intimacy—that affect your dating choices.

4. Where Do You Go from Here?

You don’t need to rush to label yourself. Sexuality and gender are fluid.

You could explore relationships with feminine or androgynous men who are romantically interested in women. Some bisexual or pansexual men might be a good match.

If you resonate with the asexual spectrum, you might look into aesthetic attraction, which is appreciating beauty without necessarily wanting a romantic or sexual relationship.

5. Moving Forward: Exploring Compatibility

Consider looking into queer-friendly dating spaces where men who embrace femininity and emotional openness may be more present.

Try connecting with bi or pan men who might be comfortable with their femininity but are also open to relationships with women.

Reflect on what kind of emotional fulfillment you’re seeking—are you looking for companionship, deep emotional intimacy, or something else?

Therapy or deep self-reflection might help uncover any subconscious patterns that are influencing your attractions.

There’s no single answer, but you’re on the right track by asking these questions. If labels help, explore different possibilities, but if they don’t, just let your attractions and connections unfold naturally. Let me know if you’d like to discuss specific aspects in more depth!

If you’d like to talk more about your feelings, feel free to reach out to the ANOAQA Helpline at +880 1682-624275.