Hi, I am an asexual woman with a stable job and financial independence, and I’ve been married to an allosexual partner for three years. I’ve invested deeply in this relationship, but he refuses to acknowledge my asexuality. He expects sex daily and insists that I see a doctor to “fix” my orientation. I’m exhausted from constantly having to justify myself, yet I don’t have the courage to leave him.
One of my biggest fears is being alone. In South Asian society, where marriage is seen as social currency, living alone isn’t always a viable option. I also don’t feel emotionally strong enough to navigate life entirely on my own. At the same time, I worry that if I do leave, I’ll only encounter more people with the same expectations, making the idea of moving on feel pointless.
How do I navigate this situation?
How can I survive in a society that doesn’t recognize my identity without feeling trapped in relationships that disregard my needs?
Any advice on emotional resilience, alternative support systems, or potential ways forward would be deeply appreciated.
Your situation is deeply painful, and I truly feel for you. It sounds like you’re experiencing the
SUNK-COST FALLACY—
the idea that because you’ve invested so much time, energy, and emotion into this relationship, leaving would mean losing all of that effort. But the truth is, staying in a relationship that consistently harms your well-being only increases your losses over time.
Your partner’s refusal to acknowledge your asexuality, his insistence on sex despite your boundaries, and his suggestion that you need to be “fixed” are serious red flags. Love should not require constant justification of your identity. His behavior isn’t just a lack of understanding—it’s a rejection of who you are.
I understand your deep fear of being alone. The queer and asexual dating landscape, especially in South Asia, can feel incredibly isolating. But being alone is not the same as being lonely—especially when the relationship itself is draining you. Right now, you’re alone in your own relationship, constantly battling for your existence. Imagine the peace of not having to justify yourself every day.
If leaving feels overwhelming, consider small steps:
Therapeutic support: If possible, seek counseling (even online), especially from someone LGBTQIA+ affirming.hether staying in this relationship will continue to make you happy in the long run.is connection is truly healthy for you.
Emotional support: Reach out to asexual-friendly spaces, online or in-person, where you can connect with people who truly get you.
Boundary-setting: Start reaffirming your boundaries without guilt. If he continues to dismiss them, that tells you everything.
Self-reflection: Ask yourself—if a friend was in your situation, what would you tell them?
You Are Not BrokenFirst and foremost, your asexuality does not need to be “fixed.” The fact that your partner refuses to acknowledge your identity and pushes you toward medical intervention is a form of invalidation and coercion. Love should not require erasing who you are.
Asian Network of A-Spec Queer Activists
Assessing the Relationship
While you may care deeply for your partner, his refusal to accept your identity means that your emotional and psychological well-being is at risk. You’ve already been exhausting yourself trying to justify who you are—imagine a life where you don’t have to do that every day.
Ask yourself:
- Can I see a future where my needs and identity are respected in this relationship?
- If I stay, will I continue to feel drained, trapped, or disrespected?
- Do I feel safe and valued as I am?
If the answer to these questions is no, then this relationship is harming you more than helping you.
Building Emotional Resilience & Support Systems
If leaving feels impossible, consider creating a safety net first. This might include:
- Seeking Queer-Affirming Friendships & Communities: You are not alone. Many ace and queer folks in South Asia build support networks beyond traditional relationships. Finding like-minded people, even online, can remind you that love and companionship come in many forms.
- Financial & Practical Independence: If someone is struggling with the fear of being alone and unsupported, they can work on building independence at their own pace—emotionally, socially, and financially. Taking small steps is perfectly okay.
- Exploring Alternative Forms of Partnership: Not all relationships need to be traditional romantic ones. Many asexual people thrive in queerplatonic relationships, strong friendships, or cohabitation with trusted friends or chosen family.
Navigating the Fear of Being Alone
The fear of loneliness is real, but ask yourself: Is being alone worse than being in a relationship that makes me feel invalidated and exhausted? Many ace people find that once they step out of harmful relationships, they discover new forms of connection they never considered before.
Your Next Steps
- Seek community support—whether through queer groups, ace-affirming spaces, or close friends.
- Start setting boundaries with your partner, even if it’s small at first.
- Make a plan for independence—mentally, financially, or emotionally—so that leaving becomes less daunting.
Your fear of all men being the same is valid, given the cultural pressures in South Asia, but not all men will disregard your identity. And more importantly, you don’t need a relationship to be complete. You deserve love, whether from a partner, friends, or yourself—love that respects you, not one that tries to erase you.
If deep down, you already know this relationship isn’t right for you, trust that instinct. Your happiness and peace matter—just as much as anyone else’s.
If you’d like to talk more about your feelings, feel free to reach out to the ANOAQA Helpline at +880 1682-624275.
