” I need relationship advice—am I giving the benefit of the doubt, or am I viewing things through a conservative definition of asexuality?
Two years ago, I joined an asexual dating app with the intention of finding a marriage partner. As a woman from a South Asian country, there is always significant pressure to get married at a young age. Now that I’m in my 30s, I feel an urgency to find an asexual partner for marriage.
I come from a family with a very stable economic background, and on the app, this has raised doubts in my mind—could they really be asexual, or do they simply want to marry a woman with financial stability?
Through the app, I connected with someone. I am sex-negative asexual, and he claimed to be asexual but sex-positive. Although I wasn’t fully comfortable with this, I agreed to continue talking because it’s challenging to find an asexual partner. However, within a month, he started calling me “sexy” and mentioning small things that turned him on. At first, I gave him the benefit of the doubt, but as time went on, my doubts grew stronger—I’m starting to question whether he is really asexual after all. “
It’s understandable that you’re feeling conflicted about this situation. Given the societal pressures around marriage and the difficulty of finding an asexual partner who aligns with your values, you want to be cautious about who you trust.
1. Are They Truly Asexual?
Asexuality exists on a spectrum, and there are a variety of experiences within it. Someone can be asexual and sex-positive, meaning they are open to sexual activity despite lacking sexual attraction. However, your discomfort stems from how this person has communicated with you—calling you “sexy” and discussing things that turn them on. While some asexual people may still experience arousal, the way he expresses it may not align with what you’re looking for in a partner.
If you feel uncomfortable or pressured, that’s a sign that something isn’t right for you, regardless of how he identifies. Asexuality doesn’t mean someone will never talk about sex, but the way he is doing it makes you feel uneasy, which is important to acknowledge.
2. Are They Interested in You or Your Stability?
It’s natural to wonder whether someone’s interest in you is genuine or influenced by financial security, especially if you’ve noticed a pattern. However, financial disparities exist in many relationships, and not everyone coming from a lower-income background has ulterior motives. That said, if you feel that their interest in you seems transactional, or if they start bringing up money in ways that make you uncomfortable, trust your instincts.
3. Are You Settling Out of Urgency?
You mentioned the urgency of marriage due to societal pressure. This pressure is very real, but it’s also important to remind yourself that marriage should feel like a safe and fulfilling partnership, not just a box to check off. If you continue with someone despite growing discomfort, you may risk ending up in an unhappy or even coercive situation.
Asian Network of A-Spec Queer Activists
*Would you like to explore ways to set clearer boundaries in conversations with potential partners? Or do you need advice on handling the pressure of marriage expectations?
Final Thoughts
- Your concerns are valid, and it’s okay to step back if you feel uneasy.
- If you’re questioning whether he’s truly asexual, consider having an open conversation about boundaries and expectations. If he dismisses your concerns or continues making you uncomfortable, that’s a red flag.
- Take your time to find a partner who genuinely respects and aligns with your needs—marriage is not just about finding someone but about finding the right someone.
If you’d like to talk more about your feelings, feel free to reach out to the ANOAQA Helpline at +880 1682-624275.
