The Unspoken Struggles of Asexual Men

The journey toward understanding and accepting the identity of asexual men is riddled with complex challenges. Societal expectations of masculinity, coupled with ableism and deeply ingrained sexual norms, create a unique intersection of struggles. These struggles are often left unspoken, leading to feelings of isolation and exclusion for many asexual men.

Ableism and Its Impact on Asexual Men

Ableism, defined as discrimination or prejudice toward individuals with disabilities, can manifest in the lives of asexual men through assumptions about their sexual capabilities. There is a pervasive belief that asexuality is synonymous with physical inability or sexual dysfunction, an unfair and harmful conflation that erases the legitimate experience of asexuality as an orientation.

Assumptions about Capability

A common misconception is that asexuality in men is indicative of impotence or an inability to perform sexually. Society often equates masculinity with sexual prowess, so when a man identifies as asexual, he may be viewed as less masculine, reinforcing ableist assumptions about physical capability. This stigmatization not only misrepresents asexuality but also reinforces harmful stereotypes that a man’s value is tied to his sexual activity.

Fear of Coming Out: Navigating Social and Familial Expectations

The fear of coming out is particularly acute for asexual men due to societal norms that pressure men to fit into a mold of traditional masculinity. This fear is compounded by the reactions of family members, friends, and workplaces, each presenting its own set of challenges.

Family — Even Wives

For asexual men in relationships, particularly within marriage, coming out can be daunting. In many cultures, including those in South Asia, traditional masculinity is celebrated, and sexual performance is often seen as a key part of being a man. Asexual men may fear that coming out to their wives could lead to questions about their virility or the validity of their relationship, creating a sense of insecurity about their masculinity.

They may feel trapped by the societal expectations that men should be sexually active and may worry that disclosing their asexuality will lead to judgment, misunderstanding, or even marital breakdown. This climate of ableism, where masculinity is tightly bound to sexual activity, makes it difficult for these men to express their identities openly, reinforcing the need for societal shifts in how we view masculinity.

“ Many LGBTQ+ folks deal with imposter syndrome, or feeling like a fraud, about their sexuality, especially soon after coming to terms with a label that feels best. If you identify as asexual, going through a more sexual phase or engaging in sex with a certain person may make you question your overall identity. If you’re asexual and heteroromantic (romantically attracted to the biologically opposite sex or gender), you might feel like you can’t take up space in the LGBTQ+ community – you can! Labels are meant to serve you. You don’t have to force a label that doesn’t feel right, and it’s okay if what feels right changes over time.“

 

Mental Health America

Peer Pressure

Asexual men may also hesitate to come out to friends, fearing misunderstanding or rejection. Friends, like family, may equate asexuality with a lack of interest in relationships or intimacy altogether, which can lead to strained or distant friendships. Educating friends about asexuality is vital for building supportive networks, but it can be emotionally exhausting to consistently explain and justify one’s identity.

The Workplace

Workplaces, particularly in South Asian cultures, can be another minefield. In conservative environments, there is often little room for deviations from heteronormative sexual norms. Asexual men may fear discrimination, harassment, or differential treatment if they disclose their orientation. The pressure to conform, combined with the stigma around asexuality, can make it challenging to maintain professional boundaries and integrity without facing prejudice.

Asexual Performativity: Challenging Societal Norms

One of the core issues faced by asexual men is the pressure to engage in “asexual performativity.” This refers to the external expectation that they will either prove their masculinity through sexual activity or avoid the topic altogether, thus avoiding conflict. Asexual men are often caught in a paradox: they are expected to fit into a normative, sexually active mold of masculinity while being labeled as “less of a man” for their lack of sexual desire.

Invalidation

Society often invalidates asexual men’s experiences by dismissing their orientation as a phase, a result of trauma, or simply an inability to function sexually. This invalidation can come from family, friends, and even medical professionals who fail to understand asexuality as a legitimate sexual identity. Such treatment can lead to feelings of isolation, shame, and confusion, compounding the difficulties of navigating life as an asexual man.

Pressure to Fit In

The pressure to fit into traditional masculinity can be overwhelming. Men are often socialized to believe that being sexually active is a key aspect of their identity, leading asexual men to question their own self-worth. The societal expectation to conform, to be sexually assertive and dominant, can cause immense internal conflict and anxiety for those who do not experience sexual attraction or desire.

This struggle to fit in can lead to a constant balancing act—appearing sexually competent in public spaces while privately navigating an identity that diverges from the norm. Such pressure can erode an asexual man’s mental health and self-esteem, contributing to feelings of alienation.

Lack of Representation and Intrusive Questions

Asexual men face a significant lack of representation in both mainstream media and even within LGBTQ+ communities, where the focus is often on sexual attraction and relationships. This erasure makes it difficult for asexual men to find role models or supportive communities, exacerbating their sense of isolation.

When they do disclose their orientation, asexual men frequently face intrusive and insensitive questions about their sex lives, relationships, or the viability of their romantic partnerships. Such inquiries not only breach personal boundaries but also reinforce the idea that asexuality is something abnormal that requires explanation or justification.

Creating a More Inclusive Society

To create a more inclusive society for asexual men, it is essential to challenge ableist assumptions, redefine masculinity, and provide space for diverse expressions of sexual identity. Education is key—friends, family, workplaces, and communities need to be open to learning about asexuality, understanding that it is a valid and fulfilling orientation.

By breaking down the narrow definitions of masculinity that equate sexual activity with male worth, society can move towards a future where asexual men are accepted and celebrated for who they are, without judgment or prejudice.