Athulya Muralidharan
romantic oreintation:hetero leaning, in aromantic spectrum sexual oreintation: sex negative asexual…
Hearing my younger cousin secured a job due to some connections, mom says, “keeping connections is good. Good for him. He got a job at this tender age “.
To this I replied, “yes but it’s easier to keep connections when people are similar cuz people don’t approach folks out of the blue to talk on work matters. People usually do that with those they are close to. Hence, the base of friendship is needed. As for friendship, it is based on similarities, not 180 degree differences. If the differences are so great, people would avoid the person actually. Even if we don’t know how those folks are, they can tell we ain’t like them.”
Following this, an argument unfolds , as she fails to acknowledge what I say.
Let me explain-When people talk, they do so to share their views, as to get a certain kind of response.
If a person speaks and the other individual in unable to relate with the topic, nor gives their desired response, that connection can’t be formed. People would rather speak to someone who relates to them, can respond accordingly, giving them the response they expect (yes, most folks already have an idea of what kind of response they want ). So, this automatically calls for similarity to a certain extent .
(Believe it or not, romantic and sexual orientation isn’t just about what a person feels but also influences the way they speak, behave, interests , perception etc)
Conversation between mom and I –
Mom: No one is a friend, people just talk for their work sake or just to pass time.
me: Talking based on work, even I can but closeness can’t be faked. Some people fake it due to situation but college life of medicos doesn’t call for such measures nor does work life, as it ain’t business . Most people talk to others cuz they like their company and both folks relate to each other. When that very connection is absent, one can’t be close to anyone and vice versa. That’s why I didn’t have any friends and still don’t. All I have are acquaintances. It has been limited to mechanical level talks with peers. The only friends I have, are from the online world , who too are asexual, to be precise in aromantic spectrum, asexual, is anti alloromanticism, anti allosexuality, sex negative, like me.
mom: How would you even have friends ? If someone gossips, you may tell them its wrong to talk ill of others. When u respond as such, who would even talk to you? You could just ignore.
me: Well, faking myself to make others comfortable with me, at the cost of my discomfort, what do I gain?
Let me explain – In such case , the whole friendship is a fake, deceiving one another. I don’t see that bond as friendship cuz it ain’t.
Moreover, I never actually heard any gossips. People don’t gossip with folks they aren’t close to. So the question of someone telling me gossips and me responding to them , that’s a far off idea.
I didn’t even know what alloromanticism and allosexuality is, until mid 20s. I didn’t know that’s how many were till late 20s and didn’t understand what exactly marriage entails . Also made to face the harsh reality of how people view marriage, at age 29 (though I wanna believe that’s a lie , for my inner peace) . Nothing short of trauma.
Doesn’t that make it clear how limited my interactions were? It was never like people would randomly come up to me and say things cuz people talk stuff with similar folks , who they know can relate to them and respond accordingly. Anyways, I am happy for for not being exposed to alloromanticism and allosexuality , although I didn’t realize the reason I was singled out during all of my teen years and early adulthood but now, I do realise. I’m glad cuz I would have never wanted to be traumatised and be included in such conversations anyway.
The point is, even if people didn’t know how I am and vice versa, I guess differences were evident to them.
I didn’t even understand why I had no friends until later, after I realised it’s avoidance due to the said reasons . They would avoid me cuz they knew I am not like them and they can’t freely talk to me, as they won’t get their desired response, also I would be clueless . Moreover , I too would avoid people who seemed remotely interested in opposite sex , talking about desires and attractions, wish for a relationship (romantically and sexually). Didn’t know that’s how many were. Would just judge them, not bother and keep my distance, without ever thinking much about all this alloromantcism , allosexuality , romantic+ sexual orientation , spectrums etc.
I genuinely feel it’s better cuz people did not harass me for not being like them, they simply kept distance, not that they hated me but they knew they couldn’t feel close to me. So, others kept distance from me and I too kept distance from them. It was a coincidence that resulted in isolation but it was for the better.
An example – Despite having a roommate for 2 yrs, both times different people , they would be close with others , bring them over, go out with them and one even left to share room with them.
Is it cuz I did something to them? No. I wasn’t even a part of their conversations., neither knew anything of alloromanticism and allosexuality, at the time.
Only if I were a part of their conversations, the question of opposing them arises.
They never even included me in first place.
The fact mom assumed I may oppose others is cuz she does know maybe, that all talk and behave differently . So ofcourse I’d oppose if people were openly as such in front of me and why does mom feel that’s wrong ? It’s cuz she assumes I’ll be left out but actually I’m happy I’ve been left out cuz why would I want to integrate in a group that would make me uncomfortable? What’s the point of me trying to make others comfortable at the cost of my comfort ? I don’t know why mom doesn’t understand this . Actually I didn’t even know all this before. Automatically people would avoid me, be close to others and I would not even know the reason but whatever happened I’m happy for that.
Maybe she is just overcome by the fear of her daughter being isolated, how will her child survive etc .
What I don’t understand is her lack of understanding on the matter and even if I try to explain, instead of hearing me, we get into an argument .
Similar incident with my maternal aunt-
Me: Once paternal side cousins were all in room together but as soon as I entered, they stopped talking . They are close with each other , not me.
Aunt: You must have said something in opposition, in past. So, they avoid. This will only effect you cuz everyone will avoid you but they don’t lose anything, as all are like them. You will be the outcast and be all alone. Even if you don’t support, be unresponsive but don’t say things they may not like.
let me explain-Hmm…does she expect me to nod and put myself in an uncomfortable position for others comfort ? How does that even make sense? Also, when others can speak their mind, why can’t I? Isn’t this unfair? Moreover, why should I assume everyone to be alloromantic allosexual by default, thereby be careful for not offteding them, when they don’t think I may get uncomfortable by their talks? My aunts response to this, didn’t go as planned.
Also, cousins don’t even know how I am, nor do I assume people to be alloromantic allosexuals , unless they make it apparent. It’s just that once a cousin talked about movies and age range , to which I responded, “oh just cuz a movie says above 18 due to sexual content , does that mean a person above 18 should watch? What’s wrong is always wrong.”
That was the only remark I passed on sexual matter, to paternal cousins, in all 30 yrs of life.
So, its not due to opposition, it’s more due to lack of similarity. Maybe they all talk on similar stuff and they can make out I’m not like them.
Once a cousin was asking for movies , if I have on phone or pen drive and I said I don’t have, I don’t watch much. I didn’t even express my discontent with media, discontent with alloromantic allosexual world etc cuz the topic never came up, yet still people can not connect cuz even if they be talking about some series, songs, movies ..they know I can’t relate. Do they talk about opposite sex, crushes, etc ? I don’t know but they may be knowing I’m not the one to talk to on such matters cuz they have never heard me talking on it. They automatically gravitate towards other cousins , maybe the similarity.
Actually, they don’t even speak to me. Similar scenario in college life as well.
People don’t need to be close to know how a person is. Infact, closeness is based on knowing how the person is.
The way a person is, can be known from how a person talks , reacts, behaves etc.
People would be having similarities with each other , which they can’t find with me. I don’t even sit in the same room when cousins are watching a movie together or when people get together and play antakshari ( a singing game ) cuz I don’t know any movie songs, nor do I watch the mainstream movies. So, one does stand out.
conversation with another relative , a boy around my age –
Talking about marriage , asking when is mine
I didn’t want to explain and start drama. So, I didn’t say anything.
He later asked if I watch movies , I said no.
He asked if I go out, I said I usually go alone , don’t have close friends.
He found that odd.
He asked if I ever went to pubs.
(cuz most people if out of state, maybe do try all this in college , since away from parents, though only the ones interested would , not everyone.)
I told no, I don’t drink.
He said, one need not drink to go to a pub but just enjoy music and dance.
I didn’t tell him how I feel on music.
It’s always like I hide my feelings just to preserve my peace of mind and this is wrong. I’m living a lie for the sake of others, in fear of judgement cuz I don’t wanna get hurt. Due to all this, I find it awkward to even talk to people, since they can’t be their true selves in front of me, neither can I be my true self with them.
So, ya despite me not even saying anything , he might have found me odd. It’s apparent I’m not like him.
He asked me if I’m very religious cuz that’s the only explanation he could think of, for not being into the things he is.
I said, “not really, I’m like everyone else in that regard. It’s not due to religious influence that I avoid the thinks I do, I don’t like it , that’s all.”
This was just an example.
There are plenty.
Explanation-The point is, there is automatically a disconnect.
It’s crazy that this disconnect is influenced due to me not being a hetero alloromantic hetero allosexual and my negativity around it all.
The differences do impact ones interests, behavior , way of talking etc.
Though the difference is in 1 thing, it makes an automatic disconnect in every other thing cuz a lot is influenced by it, almost everything in adult life.
I wish parents understood that, instead of blaming me or asking me to atleast put myself in an uncomfortable position for the sake of others, maybe due to their fear of me being left all alone, worrying how I’ll navigate life.
It’s not like others socialize to drain themselves but to energize themselves, be heard, share, connect but when people are drastically dissimilar, it’s not possible. Instead of of gain, I’ll be drained , uncomfortable and hurt . That’s the reason no one is close to me and vice versa. Its not like I don’t wish to share and connect , it would be a dream come true if I find folks like me. It’s the situation.
In the past, I’ve told mom that I can talk to people but only be close with online asexuals (aces)and later make those online aces, offline friends-
Mom: Talking online is fine but one can’t be sure they are even aces. It’s easier to assume they are fake, than to be an actual asexual , since the numbers are so small. Also, folks in the immediate environment is what you need. If no one talks to you, you won’t even know some necessary info . No one will even alert you if an earthquake happens . You wont get any info from anywhere.
Me:I’d get the info. Also, it’s not like people are inhumane to abandon me if I’m unwell or earthquake occurs.
Mom: Back in UG college days, when you were unwell , I called and requested some hostel girls to let u stay in their room for the night , they declined. Reason? They took you to be mentally sick/odd due to your insta posts, venting on alloromanticism and allosexuality. They were worried if you would harm them in middle of the night!
Me : Why would I attack anyone ? Doesn’t this imply they are alloromantic allosexuals, for them to be offended by my insta posts? (Also, this implies my mom assumes everyone to be an alloromantic allosexual of the hetero version, by default )
My brother: The way you speak about alloromanticism and allosexuality (esp allosexuality), any alloromantic allosexual would avoid you. Even if you won’t attack them, your disgust and hatred is scary to the level that people may fear you might harm them or something. Sadly cuz that’s almost everyone, ie alloromantic allosexual , almost everyone would avoid you knowing how you are, even if you didn’t know they are alloromantic allosexual.
let me explain –
Just as a homophophobe won’t be friends with an alloromantic allosexual of homo version (in short homosexual)and vice versa, similar case.
As for hate crimes, actually they are done more by alloromantic allosexuals of hetero version , against LGBTQIA folks. So, I don’t know what they are talking about. We are the victims but they play victim and make us look like criminals . They never see their wrongdoings.
I don’t go around attacking people , if that’s what these alloromantic allosexuals are worried about. I find the hatred towards me, is them just being aggressively defensive of alloromanticism and allosexuality, since that may be their reality, which explains why they are so offended. I hate alloromanticism and allosexuality but I don’t treat people inhumane , esp at times of need, never. All this just shows that it’s others for whom romantic and sexual orientation matters so much as too look past basic humanity . So, how is this on me, when it’s others who are not just alloromantic allosexuals but so consumed by it, to the point of basing everything on it and treating others inhumane? Why don’t people question that? This is what I find shocking.
Actually, I feel my own family would have avoided me and I too would have avoided them, if not for being family.
So, outsiders tolerating me and vice versa, that’s out of question esp since almost everyone is an alloromantic allosexual as per people and online sources (just most alloromantic allosexuals happen to be of the hetero version). Maybe this is why mom worries for me and I assume it’s the worry that manifests in the form of anger, when I try to explain the reason for not having friends. As for dad, I’m genuinely hopeless. He just says , “if everyone is similar, just you are different and can’t get along or make friends, you are the issue. “
Parents don’t understand nor want to.
(Them not understanding me, esp their responses opens my eyes to the fact , they may not be like me but the very thing that hurts me and I just wanna keep lying to myself , instead of accepting it cuz I cant live thinking/knowing my own family members are alloromantic allosexuals )
As for mom, mind is in panic mode of her child being a social outcast, isolated in the world.
I try to justify moms behavior by consoling myself but it does hurt when no one understands, not even parents.
Though I try to make them understand, it always escalates into an argument. It backfires, as it goes ever their head. I really don’t understand why they can’t even hear me.
I hope things change when they see me leading a successful content life. I console myself, thinking its moms’ worries that manifest in the form of anger and dismissal.
The differences in an alloromantic allosexuals’ brain are at such drastic levels, that even if one tries to explain stuff , it goes over their head, be it an outsider or family.
In short, having no one to understand.
All this, then mom asks, why am I so effected.
Make it make sense!
Even if I vent on something , instead of understanding me, taking my side, I end up getting a lecture on alloromanticism, allosexuality, normalization as something not bad in the sense they don’t see it as an issue, telling all are as such, etc etc validating it and telling me even more about the stuff, things I didn’t even know. Ofcourse I’ll end up feeling worse and when I end up feeling bad, they ask why am I feeling bad.
When this keeps happening , with time, a barrier forms even between the parent child relation and the child begins to be closed off from them , in order to protect their mental peace cuz they have tried opening up several times before and every time the outcome has been negative. A barrier in a parent child relation is very hurtful to the child but romantic and sexual orientation is so influential as to even effect the strongest of bonds. Yes I love them but that’s the very reason this situation hurts the most.
It’s basically impossible to be compatible with an alloromantic allosexual , is what I’ve come to understand from all this.
What’s the point of talking if the other person can’t even relate and gives opposite response of what one wants.
Similarly, alloromantic allosexuals too may have not socialized with me much cuz they would want someone who can relate to them, respond accordingly and maybe a lot of their conversations and behavior is influenced by alloromanticism and allosexuality (even basic interests such as clubbing, talking about some series, movies , songs , celebs, gossips , future plans, personal experiences , jokes etc).
This is a disconnect and the reason for not having close friends, being unable to socialize.
This is not some rocket science to understand. Life seems cursed.
Even when I expresses how I feel low due to all this, none would relate or understand. This makes it worse.
They say, “even if no one understands or supports you, you should not be effected. ”
That’s easier said than done.
Not fitting in anywhere or with anyone, people not relating to you and vice versa, unable to openly express ones views but everyone else lives their reality, even social norms and cultural rituals based on this, present isolation and future anxiety , can’t connect with anyone , people end up hurting me with opposite responses etc . That basic human connection is lacking.
No human should have such a disconnected life, ie no one like them, can’t express what they feel inorder to safeguard ones peace, even if one says something they would get judged, not understood cuz apparently majority can not relate but end up saying stuff that hurts , even socialization is effected. As for life companionship (with the social norms or laws surrounding it) ,that’s basically out of question. Heck even socialization or connecting with people seem impossible, even parents don’t understand their child, which human for legalised life long companionship who actually is like us and understands?
Hence, if they were in my place, they would likely feel the same. They really are too privileged to the extent they cant even understand why I feel low , which is why mom said, “even if no one understands you, none support, no one is like you, still should not effect you”.
She is clearly oblivious of the impacts.
It’s not like I would not like to talk to her on all that but being a an alloromantic allosexual of hetero version (most likely, though I prefer to lie to myself ), it would fly over her head, as it has always .
I’ll just get hurt and I have no choice by to lock my feelings. Is this the way to live? Doesn’t all this seem like a curse?
Just hoping for a happy life, to find my troupe, find someone who is like me , understands and supports me .
That literally is all I want in life. Just someone to talk to and hopefully can become offline friends.
Something so basic that everyone else takes for granted but means the world to me cuz honestly it hurts, when even a mother can’t understand the pain of their child.
That’s the level of difference that comes up with one being alloromantic allosexual and the other being in aromantic spectrum and asexual. Worse, if one is triggered by alloromanticism and allosexuality. Adult life becomes nothing short of a nightmare.
When a parent child connection is effected , despite the love, ie no understanding and support , how can outsiders? Yet she asks why I cant connect with people ? Hello..?!…isn’t it obvious?
No matter how obvious things are, I don’t understand how it’s invisible to them.
I wish my parents understood me better and supported me, even if they had to fake themselves cuz all this is to hard to deal alone.
I can’t have alloromantic allosexual friends nor want to be part of conversations reflective of that and yes, this does make my pool quite small but I’m more at peace this way. I can just have them as peers or acquaintances. The alloromantic allosexuals who know how I am, atleast try to keep conversations devoid of anything suggestive of it including music, crushes, series , songs, marriage, pregnancy etc but most wont and it just gets awkward maybe as they get to know I’m not like them, as even if not talking directly on the matter, it’s reflected in almost everything . Loneliness is an issue and life seems cursed but I’m ever thankful to the internet for bringing similar folks together. I hope people understand this and not push me to socialize in an environment I’m not comfortable with cuz it wont work anyway, also it would only end with me getting hurt. Moreover, such 180 degree friendships don’t happen cuz people naturally gravitate towards similar folks, who relate to them, can understand them and respond accordingly (shared experiences, similar thoughts). Otherwise they would feel like talking to a wall. No one does that. This holds true for them and also for me. Oil and water don’t mix.
About The Author
romantic oreintation:hetero leaning, in aromantic spectrum
sexual oreintation:
sex negative asexual who is anti allosexual and triggered by its mere existence.
